i wish that i could find out more of what he is up to. he lies to me to my face. i have caught him. i know things about him and things that he has done that he does not know that i know. so i catch him lying. if he only knew. but i don't want to tell him what i know. am i lying too?
i don't like sleeping with him anymore. i think of other people. i can't orgasm. i have to fake them all. i am so unhappy but whenever i approach the subject, he always changes it. i can never tell him how i truly feel and how i want to like him, but i somehow can't anymore.
i am still thinking about a divorce.
i don't have any friend on here. no one comments. i can't talk to my real life friends. they are his friends and they would get in the middle. i wish i had one friend that was just mine.
i am in such a sad/depressed mood right now. i have to go take a shower and leave.
anyway, i suppose this is just for me anyhow. some way to let a bit of my feelings come through.
i've been thinking about suicide again. i went to the doctor not too long ago and she wanted to focus on talking about my husband. i was there to talk to oher about my suicidal tendencies and she wanted to talk about him. he wasn't even there. i would like to go to counseling with him, but we cannot afford such things right now. we have too many bills and not enough money.
i am scared of myself sometimes though. i sit there and i think about suicide and i wonder how long it would be before he found me. he is rarely here on the weekends and so i wonder if i did it on a saturday, if i would be dead the whole weekend until he found me. he doesn't call me. i can be in a room full of people and still be utterly alone. i looked at some anorexic journals today to try and maybe talk to someone about my anorexia that isn't out of control yet, but all the posts seemed childish to me. little girls who aren't even done growing saying things like "OMG I AM SO FAT." when they are only 5 feet tall and 80 pounds. i wonder if they know what it means to be 20 pounds underweight. i wonder if they get the body pains and headaches and fatigue that i get. probably not. they are all hyped up on diet pills with over the counter speed in them. get a clue girls. being anorexic doesn't mean sucking down as many diet pills as you can and having the shits. it means not being able to eat. there comes a point where you don't see yourself as fat anymore and you want to gain weight, but you are stuck in a routine. but then again, i think everyone who has a problem with this varies. it affects them on a different level. so maybe being 5 feet tall and 80 pounds and sucking down diet pills IS anorexia to them. let them have it. just pass me the tylenol and xanax to make the pain go away.
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kittenheads's journal